“People don’t leave because they can’t support their partner anymore, it’s not even because of the disease,” says Sivuyisiwe. “Often enough, they leave because that person becomes unbearable to live with, especially when it comes to self pity.” Seek help from support groups or even a qualified counsellor for your own well-being as well as for your partner and prospective relationship(s).Depending on the type of relationship you have, and if your partner decides to continue the relationship, it is vital that you practice safer sex, by using condoms and ensuring that your spouse is tested every six months.

Lastly, and most importantly, have your partner tested as soon as possible, “it would be the honourable thing to do,’ says Sivuyisiwe who also thinks that “there’s nothing worse than crying on your own.” Support them as you normally would through anything that might have frightened them, and remember that your partner is also taking a big step in their own lives.

Have your partner tested

However, Ms. Bok also says “guilt and self-criticism are not emotions to be avoided - they indicate that a person has a conscience and cares about others.”
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It is usually during the confrontation that the reality of you having possibly infected your partner hits, of which then Ms Bok says “it would be a natural, normal reaction to experience extreme guilt if you have infected your sexual partner with HIV… through a personal struggle and perhaps some intensive counseling, the person may begin to work through this feeling and achieve some degree of self-forgiveness.”
Allowing your partner time to deal with your disclosure is essential. Understand that your partner is reacting to shocking news and may require time on their own. Unfortunately, some relationships may or may not be temporarily ended. Regardless of the outcome, you should still be proud of yourself for making the informed decision to tell them and protect their health.

Give your partner space

It will also help you to deal with any psychological issues you might have been struggling with. “Some are concerned about secrets about an affair coming to light whilst some people might be wracked by guilt if they feel they may have infected their partner and/or their children through their own behaviours,” says Ms. Bok. Allow and encourage your partner to question you about what essentially affects them; it will also help for any future reparations that might need to be made in the relationship.
It may be difficult, but be as truthful as possible. You have taken a huge step in telling your partner, and you should let your partner know that you are sharing your news with them because you love them and care about their well-being.
Using all the gentleness and love you can summon, lay the facts out for your spouse as they are, don’t withhold anything from your partner. You will undoubtedly be asked ‘How did you get infected?’, ‘When did it happen?’, ‘How long have you known?’

Be completely honest

Ms. Bok says that “the partner’s reaction needs to be anticipated and worked through. The nature of the relationship prior to the HIV positive diagnosis is important. One needs to assess the personality of the partner and the potential for violence, suicide and disclosure to other people outside of the relationship” before you decide to discuss such life-changing news.
A partner’s reaction to the ‘HIV bomb’ is completely unpredictable. Their reaction may range from an angry outburst to complete silence, understanding that whatever reaction they express is normal and vitally important. You should respect their feelings and try to be as patient and empathic as possible.

Be prepared for their reaction

 “It would definitely be somewhere where it was just the two of us, but I think home is always the safest place. It’s a controlled environment besides the knives in the kitchen,” Sivuyisiwe jokes.
Sivuyisiwe Nobongoza, a 30-year-old full time actor who has been together with his girlfriend for nearly three years says that they would “have to do it at home, because I’d want to be in a space where we can react if we want to, with no need to have boundaries... if she wanted to scream, I’d want her to be able to be in a place where she can do that.”
Once you are confident in your decision, choose a place and time where you and your partner can talk alone and in private. This may be your own home, whilst taking a walk, or a favourite nearby park.

Decide on a location

It is for these reasons that you need to make sure that you are absolutely comfortable in telling your partner. By telling your spouse your diagnosis, you are initiating your “partner’s own process of coming to terms with the situation,” says Ms. Bok. If you haven’t yet dealt with your own status, you can’t expect your partner to accept and understand your news immediately, let alone support you.
"The individual also needs a space where they are able to explore the implications of their results, where they can begin the process of accepting their status, in which they will usually go through stages similar to mourning a loss.”
According to clinical psychologist and HIV/AIDS counsellor Welmoet Bok who has a practice in Wynberg, Cape Town, “The individual needs to come to terms with the fact that they are HIV positive. This is a process and can take anywhere from six weeks to indefinitely."

Make sure you are prepared

You can print information off the internet, get pamphlets and booklets from your doctor or local clinic as well as have your doctor’s number on hand should your partner have any questions that you can’t answer. You should also be able to explain to your partner which strand of HIV you have, what the differences are, and what your current state of health is.
Having as much information about your diagnosis is essential. Although your partner might know what HIV is, people often don’t really have an understanding of it. This is partly why there is such a stigma attached to HIV-infected persons.

Collecting information
Your partner has a right to know, especially because it is their health you are putting at risk. There is no perfect way of disclosing your status, but each individual has to assess their relationship and determine what will work best for them.

That kind of courage cannot be gathered from a mere pat on the back or a dear friend saying ‘I know you can do this’. You probably haven’t told anyone for fear of being stigmatized or worse because you realize how much there is to lose, especially if that’s your partner.

Finding out you are HIV positive is potentially one of the hardest situations anyone will ever have to deal with, but perhaps an even harder thing to do is tell your partner that you have the disease and you might have infected them.Positive Dating: Can You Be To Honest?

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